Jewish Exponent Purim Spiel: Fake News 2018!

Keeping with traditions in the holiday spirit, the Exponent has returned with our annual Purim spiel/ fake news jokes, which, fortunately for some satirical gags, are not true.

Enjoy, and happy Purim!

 

Rumored Bagel Shortage Schmears Widespread Panic

Manny Schewitz | JE Staff

As if people didn’t have enough to worry about with reports of avocado shortages, creating higher prices on both the fruit and millennials’ rent, now there’s another rumored shortage that will affect many dietary regimes: bagels.

“We’re telling everyone not to panic, as nothing’s really happened yet,” said Adam Einstein, owner of South Philly’s Pop, Lox and Drop It Bagels and descendent of one of the Einstein Bros. of bagel fame. “But there is definitely some concern in the industry about a shortage.”

With the increase in popularity of Instagrammable foods, like rainbow bagels or bagels with stranger flavors like Hot Cheetos, the rise in customers getting the breakfast staple just to take a picture of it and not actually eat it is one reason Einstein thinks there may soon be a shortage.

But he is more concerned about what the breakfast alternatives will be if bagels do run out.

“Doughnuts and lox just doesn’t have the same ring to it,” he said. “We’ll have to start getting creative.”

Bagel enthusiasts are certainly worried.

“Every morning, I wake up and come get a toasted everything bagel with schmear,” said 65-year-old Goldie Lox, holding her bagged breakfast outside the bagel shop. “What will I eat for breakfast if there are no bagels?”

 

President to Search for Afikomen

Shawny Spizer | JE Staff

In lieu of an annual Passover seder this year, Jewish officials and regular attendees decided to opt out of the affair alongside President Donald Trump and his administration, but not for the reason you may think.

“We’re proud to bring the story of Passover into the White House,” Rabbi Mort Siegel said. “Although some people in the past protested the president’s engagements, we’re encouraging him to participate in a new annual tradition.”

The new tradition takes a more small hands-on approach. Instead of the ceremonial seder, the Jewish community rallied together for one big afikomen hunt.

“The president thought this would be beneficial to all as we could clump together both the annual Easter egg hunt and the Passover thing,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reiterated.

SPOILER ALERT (Mr. President, you can stop reading now): The afikomen hunt will provide Trump with a list like that of a scavenger hunt, which begins on the White House lawn, circles around Moscow and ultimately tiptoes onto Kim Jong Un’s doorstep.

With just a map in a small hand and a bag of Cheetos and Diet Coke for sustenance, this should keep the president busy until 2020.

Dayenu!

 

Mazel Tov Announcement: Goldstein-Cohen

Chaim and Mitzi Goldstein of Wynnemoney are pleased to announce the divorce of their daughter, Ashley Claire, and their former son-in-law, Jimmy Bob Cohen, son of Dewayne Beau and Ruby Sue Cohen of Tucchus City, Mo.

The Goldsteins allege that the marriage was a sham from the start and only agreed to because the Cohens pointed firearms at them, a claim the Cohens vociferously deny.

“That there Ashley was a stuck-up beyotch who thought she was too good for our son Jimmy Bob,” Ruby Sue Cohen said, as she spat tobacco juice between the gap in her front teeth. “Things was troubled from the start when Ashley gave back our weddin’ gift of hound dogs Stinker, Cletus and Ladybird and got a poodle instead.”

Ashley has moved back to Wynnemoney from Tucchus City, to begin a new career as a trust fund slacker.

Jimmy Bob announced plans to open up a combination bar and grill/synagogue/used car dealership in Tucchus City with his business partner Yitzhak Daryl Clampettstein. Anyone who test drives a car receives a free yarmulke and a coupon for half off on possum fritters.

 

Tom Brady Traded to Eagles Out of Embarrassment

Jason Kelstein | JE Staff

Tom Brady just can’t live with himself being on a losing team.

After the Patriots’ loss to the Eagles, Brady reportedly met with managers to see about joining the Super Bowl champs.

He got his wish.

“They’re a great team, and I couldn’t be happier to sport the green jersey,” Brady told reporters at a recent press conference with a smile that almost reached his cold, dead eyes.

However, the star quarterback may have joined the team, but don’t expect to see him on the field too much, noted Eagles Vice President Howie Roseman, who built the team that would become Super Bowl victors.

With Carson Wentz due to return to the field, Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles staying with the team as well as backup quarterback Nate Sudfeld, the Eagles already have a stellar lineup.

“[Brady] just was begging to be on the team after the Pats lost,” Roseman said. “How could we say no? He just looked so desperate; it was adorable.”

 

iPhone X Induces Spike in Parents Calling Kids for Tech Support

Steve Wozniman | JE Staff

With the advent of the iPhone X, Apple’s latest generation of phones, cellphone companies have seen a significant spike in older adults — specifically in the 561 area code — calling their millennial children.

New features like animojis (animated emoticons that follow your movements and speech), a lack of a visible home button and an omnipresent headphone jack has forced parents to call their children more frequently to ask how to use this latest technological trend.

“I don’t get it,” nagged 64-year-old Louise Goldstein of Boca Raton. “I keep asking Miss Siri for help, but she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. I just want it to tell me how to get to the nearest Publix. I wrote down instructions my son gave me to use the phone, but he must have skipped a step.”

While some have gradually taken to using Kindles, iPads, or simpler Android phones, the newest iPhone — with its simplistic design — seems to have missed the mark for these folks.

Joseph Krutz texted his father a photo of his daughter’s soccer game, he recalled, to which he received no less than four lengthy voicemails in response.

“Just text me back!” he exclaimed. “I’ve shown him how to do it hundreds of times.”

Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile each reported about a 43 percent increase, on average, of outgoing calls from users on their senior plans.

Fortunately, for millennials on the other end of those calls, the one thing the iPhone X is terrible at is receiving phone calls.

 

Synagogue Caters to Treif Lovers

Edmund Bacon | JE Staff

Temple Beth Goldberg announced a new membership drive that will cater to Jews who love non-kosher food.

The synagogue will kick off that drive on Feb. 31 with a meet-and-greet event that includes a schmear of bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, cheeseburgers, pulled pork, ham and cheese sandwiches and seafood towers stacked with lobster, crab and shrimp.

“Let’s face it — synagogue memberships are declining everywhere, so we need to sell both the (cheese)steak and the sizzle. Jews love to eat, but are sick of bland kosher foods,” Rabbi Ivanna Hoagie said. “And besides — have you tasted bacon? It’s delicious!”

The synagogue’s announcement met with a mixed reaction.

“OMG! I LOLed when my friend told me about it and told her to STFU and GTFO, but it turned out to be true,’’ millennial Ashley Claire Goldstein of Wynnemoney declared without looking up from her iPhone. “It’s like, so chill. After I stopped LFMAO, I told my friend to LMK if she was going. This is totally awesome.”

Others were less appreciative.

“We already have plenty of places to enjoy treif,” harrumphed Rabbi Schmendrick McGullicuty. “They’re called your neighborhood deli.”

 

Supporters Urge Gal Gadot to Run for Israeli PM

Judith Yehudit | JE Staff

In the wake of Israeli police recommending indictment charges against Benjamin Netanyahu, some have begun to ask themselves who might be able to follow in the footsteps of one of Israel’s longest serving prime ministers.

For many, the answer is resoundingly Gal Gadot.

Ronit Levinsky, Middle Eastern studies professor at the University of Pennsylvania, said that the rise of celebrity politicians in the United States may be starting to have a global impact.

Israelis don’t vote directly for prime minister. Instead, they vote for the party. The party head most able to form a coalition, usually the head of the biggest party, becomes prime minister. Levinsky said this electoral process might hurt Gadot’s chances.

“It’s hard not to look at the reaction to Oprah Winfrey’s speech at the Golden Globes and not feel like this was going to happen at some point,” Levinsky said. “Charisma and the ability to charm an audience seems to be able to take anyone quite far.”

A little closer to home, support for Gadot has led to the creation of American Friends of Gal Gadot (AFGG) Philadelphia/New Jersey Chapter. David Schwartz, AFGG Philadelphia/New Jersey Chapter president, pointed to the powerful speech Gadot gave at the 2018 Critics’ Choice Award as evidence of her political competence.

“Gal Gadot is a queen,” Schwartz said. “She rocked as Wonder Woman, and she will rock as Israel’s head of state.”

 

Day School Students Launch Satellite Into Space

Mendel Goldberg | JE Staff

Local Jewish day schools have teamed up with a Philadelphia technology incubator to give students the opportunity to design a functional satellite, then launch it into space.

The students worked with several aerospace engineers to learn the necessary components of the satellite and a successful launch. Students also chose what they wanted the purpose of their satellite to be. After much spirited debate, they settled on having it monitor weather. They also decided to bring in their Jewish identity and a connection to Israel by having the satellite play a continuous loop of “Hatikvah.”

The schools reported a successful launch last week.

“This is such a great experience for my child,” parent Rebecca Weisenberg said. “We want to make sure we’re giving her a cutting-edge STEAM education, so it’s good to know that our school is keeping students ahead of the curve.”