Danielle Selber knew that many young Jewish professionals in Philadelphia were having trouble meeting each other and sustaining meaningful romantic relationships. She also knew that the Orthodox community in Philadelphia didn’t seem to have this problem.
“I was watching my Orthodox friends and how they were working within the traditional dating system of Orthodox Judaism, and I saw the ways that it was and wasn’t working for them. I thought, ‘Why can’t everyone have access to this?’” she said. “Dating is this inherently lonely thing. It can be complicated and confusing. It’s the biggest decision that you’ll make in your life. And I thought, why can’t everyone have a little bit more help?”
So, Selber started the matchmaking program at Tribe 12 a little less than a decade ago. So far, the returns have been great.
“I have over 50 serious relationships under my belt — some of which are marriages, some of which have resulted in children,” Selber said.
Word has spread, and the numbers speak for themselves.
“Just over the past year or so we have needed additional support because we have had so many people interested in talking to us,” Selber said.
At Tribe 12, every consultation begins with an hour-long one-on-one conversation so matchmakers can gauge the person and what might work for them.
“We now have six very part-time matchmakers, each of whom have their own skill set and network and people that can talk to them. Some of them specialize in certain communities that they’re part of or can appear for,” she said.
There are Tribe 12 matchmakers who specialize in helping Jews just out of college and Jews from certain national backgrounds or sexual identities. All things considered, people have resoundingly supported the mission. Selber shared one of the most rewarding things she has heard of late.
“I got a really nice compliment recently from a guy who’s been dating for a while in the Jewish scene, and he just said that he feels really held and supported by this matchmaker community because it just helps him feel like while he’s doing everything that he can do and putting himself out there, there’s more people on his team. He says it just makes him feel less alone in the process,” she said.
Selber added that the mission is grounded in Jewish tradition.
“Even just one or two generations ago, the norm was to have matchmaking be this communal thing. There was sometimes just one matchmaker in a village, but everybody was part of the process. The whole family and whole community,” she said. “We want to create this feeling of being lifted up and held while you’re making this enormous decision.
Only today are we in this place where it’s an isolated experience. And so I saw the need or the opportunity to bring back that communal feeling, to make people just feel less alone in the process.”
The Bala Cynwyd resident and Adath Israel member first studied the history of Jewish matchmaking as a student. She wrote her thesis at Gratz College on the history and modern applications of it before joining Tribe 12.
Selber said that, for her, the confluence of all of the factors that led to her being at Tribe 12 makes perfect sense. Everything that she does is rooted in the same place.
“My whole life is [about] being Jewish. And I’m very happy with that. I think that it’s a gift to be able to integrate my work in my life,” she said. “And so my social life is baked into my work life, which is baked into my religious life. It’s all well integrated, and that’s something people often express with dating. They don’t want to have to leave parts of themselves at the door in order to be accepted or to find someone.”
