But the rabbi? He's another story -- played by Josh Cooke of Gladwyne, whose bimah-bound bromide-spouting cleric doesn't have a brucha or a clue as to why the march down the aisle has ended in a free-for-all. And why is the real Mrs. Stiller -- Anne Meara -- still hoping to be party to this bridal party of a bash in which "Who gets the fish?" is unquestionably less important than "Who gets the groom?"
Thank God there's a chupah to hide under for cover.
It's a capper of a career for a comedy that has run nine seasons on the pudgy legs of its star, Kevin James, as Doug Heffernan, but often stolen from under him by Stiller.
And the fact that Stiller's Arthur, Doug's fury of a father-in-law, gets to do it again is a welcome way to watch "The King of Queens" burrow its way into TV history.
Who knew that a comedy about a working-class couple would work so well with a UPS-type delivery guy like Doug devoted to keep on truckin'? UPS -- the new Ultra Party Stud?
Coincidentally, one of the biggest laughs to come out of the just-opened "Legally Blonde" on Broadway is the scene in which the strapping, open-collared, thunderthigh UPS man plants his bare-chested beefcake -- legs spread -- in front of a shocked and awed beautician and announces, "I've got a package."
Over nine seasons, Doug Heffernan and his hefty bag of a body have never come close to the stamped sensuality of that scene. Which may be why "The King of Queens" has delivered so often; it hits home for many in households where the express male delivering the goods is flawed to a fault.
And, now, as the show closes its run, what better way than with a Jewish wedding in which the ice sculpture may melt before the "I Do's" are done.
Just hope the chupah doesn't collapse first.
· · ·
Ari Gold is as tarnished as they come: 10 percent commission, 90 percent comeuppance.
Yet the "Entourage" agent who confuses tzedakah with suck- up -- and who turned a bimah into a business meeting at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah -- has met his match.
And who knew it would be Yom Kippur?
The holiday came in May -- last week's episode: Able to nail the deal of his life for Vince (Adrian Grenier), Ari (Jeremy Piven) -- the ultimate sell-out -- couldn't sell his soul for a cell phone, frustrated that the call he needed to make called on his breaking the holiday.
What's a heartless, heedless heel -- but one who still fears that Ultimate Agent -- to do?
Of course, the inconsolable con artist also knows that his name will be written for another year in the Book of Life. But then, knowing Ari, he may just go out and sell the rights to it.