A bar or bat mitzvah is a seminal moment in a young Jewish person’s life. Preparation can take as long as a year, and family comes from far and wide to experience one of the most important ceremonies in Judaism.
However, for those who hold a b’nai mitzvah in the fall, there is competition: the High Holidays.
The holiest time of the year for Jews also requires a heightened level of preparation and involvement, and for families who are hosting a bar or bat mitzvah as well as observing Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the calendar can get crowded very quickly.
Rabbi Howard Cove of Beiteinu in Philadelphia said his congregation is largely Reform, and sometimes those who come to him wishing to conduct a b’nai mitzvah for their child have forgotten what else goes on for Jews in autumn.
“Some of them are aware, but for many of them, they are in their routine and their priority is just to get the kids back to school,” he said. “Sometimes, people plan something in late September or early October and think it’s clear, because the Jewish calendar and the rhythms of our people isn’t something that [everyone knows].”
Melissa Brown is a Philadelphia parent with two children: one who has had a bar mitzvah and one who will have a bat mitzvah at the end of October. Her daughter, Harper, was born in the summer but is having her ceremony in the fall because she and all her friends are away at camp from June to August.
The family also considered holding it before the school year ended at the end of the spring. Brown said the fall was better because she would rather navigate the High Holidays than the end of the school year.
“We knew she would be one of the last [of her peers] to have a bat mitzvah, but we thought it would be good too, because hers won’t be during the main season,” Brown said.
A benefit to holding the ceremony in September or October is that there aren’t as many other b’nai mitzvah to compete with — Brown said during the winter and spring, her daughter was attending a ceremony nearly every week. However, Harper’s bat mitzvah isn’t bookended by others.
Cove said every family has different wants and needs, and that he sees it as his job to meet those families on their grounds. For example, he recalled a recent meeting to plan for a wedding that he will officiate.
“It’s an interfaith couple, and they don’t want any Hebrew in the ceremony,” he said. “My reaction was, ‘Thank God they still want a rabbi.’”
Cove said he will be gentle and respectful to the couple, and hopefully remind them about what is so great about Judaism: community.
Brown said the community that Cove has crafted at Beiteinu is one of understanding and compromise. She offered an example of how he has accommodated their family’s needs ahead of Harper’s big day.
“We are very fortunate to work with Rabbi Cove, because he is so accommodating — he was able to do lessons over Zoom. We have had a couple late nights and he has been able to schedule around that,” she said.
All things considered, Cove and Brown are excited for Harper’s bat mitzvah on Oct. 26, they said. Brown said anything will be better than what her son experienced.
“He had a COVID bar mitzvah,” she said. “There were 10 or 15 people there and we held it on Zoom for everyone else.”
Cove said it’s important that Jews are accepting of each other — even if some of them might not be as observant and know the calendar through and through.
“Throughout Jewish history, it has been proven that the times of our greatest weakness is when internally, we don’t respect one another,” he said. “You can always do more, but don’t discount what you do as a Jew.”