By Rabbi Ari Saks
Parashat Toldot
I was spending time with my two kids when they suddenly asked me, “Abba, between the two of us, who do you love more?” I tried to dismiss their poignant question by assuring them of my equal love for both of them, but to no avail. They said they could tell my love for them could not be equal based on which games I played with them, which jokes caused me to laugh harder, even how I “dealt with their nonsense” differently!
Overwhelmed and impressed by their attention to every detail of my parenting foils, I tried to save face with a classic response that admittedly did nothing to quell their concern: “I love you the same, but differently.”
Children are born with an acute sense of fairness and a deep desire for belonging. It’s their love language. Over time they hone their unique sense of fairness, never failing to complain when something “is not fair,” while concurrently ingratiating themselves with friends, parents and caregivers to form special attachments that give them a sense of belonging.
At some point children start experiencing a disconnect between seeking fairness and desiring belonging. Hearing nuanced statements like “I love you the same, but differently” meant to express both a sense of belonging and fairness can sound confusing to children because what seems fair to all does not give them that special feeling of belonging, and vice versa. More pointedly, despite their desire for our affection, children can feel confused by an innate anxiety that we, as their parents, will turn our children’s desire for love into a form of competition. It’s an anxiety that acts as a kind of macabre inheritance with roots in our ancient texts.
At the onset of Parashat Toldot, the text reads “Abraham begot Isaac.” The Hebrew for “begot” literally means “gave birth” to indicate a sense of belonging in which a child (Isaac) inherits his father (Abraham)’s estate. Moreover, only one child could inherit from their father, which means a father must choose which child belongs to him.
Thus one midrash imagines Sarah praying with Abraham, “O that God might … grant us offspring, that we have no need of Hagar’s child [Ishmael].” Yet despite Sarah’s hostility, Ishmael continues to love his family by continuing to love God. As another midrash explains, “Ishmael himself cried unto God, and his prayer and the merits of Abraham brought [him and his mother Hagar] help in their need.”
A similar story occurs in the next generation, as sprinkled throughout Parashat Toldot is another form of language evoking a sense of a child belonging to a certain parent: Esau is most often described as “his (i.e. Isaac’s) son” while Jacob is most often described as “her (i.e., Rebecca’s) son.”
The drama of Parashat Toldot centers on Jacob seeking to become “his (i.e. Isaac’s) son” and replace Esau, like how Isaac replaced Ishmael in the previous generation. Esau’s loss of belonging to his father is compounded by a loss of his sense of fairness when he attempts but fails to get his blessing. As one midrash states, “Isaac felt great pity for his older son, and he wanted to bless him, but the Shekhinah (God’s presence) forsook him, and he could not carry out what was purposed.”
Yet despite being turned aside by his parents and by God, Esau persists in wanting to find love within his family by marrying an Ishmaelite, an action that not only could win the love of his parents but also connects his story with Ishmael’s story of being a child who desires the love of fairness and belonging, but loses to the child who is loved more.
Much more can be said about how we as parents are inheritors of generations in which love as competition was more ubiquitous than love as a sense of fairness and a desire for belonging. But let us take solace in Ishmael and Esau’s example that despite the mistakes we make as parents, well-intentioned or not, our children don’t want to fight with one another; they just want to be loved. So let’s do our best to give our love to them as fairly as we can.
Rabbi Ari Saks is a Philly-raised, JTS-ordained rabbi with 12-plus years of pulpit experience. He is also the co-creator of the podcast “Interfaithing: Why Families Can Embrace Two Faiths Under One Roof.” The Board of Rabbis of Greater Philadelphia is proud to provide diverse perspectives on Torah commentary for the Jewish Exponent. The opinions expressed in this column are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the view of the Board of Rabbis.