Springer in His Step

Jerry Springer

But if a battle does break out in Vietnam, who better than Jerry Springer to spring into action as arbiter of arms and the man?

Make that women. He and Mel B, the Scary one of the fun and fragrant Spice Girls, co-host the pageant of pulchritude -- and talent -- parading down the run way way out in Vietnam.

But closer to home, it's "America's Got Talent" that's got Springer's attention on a weekly basis. Putting out the trash may be his job on that syndicated donnybrook that passes for an issues show he does daily ("The Jerry Springer Show"), but there's no trashing this weekly summer solstice of a special talent series in which contestants trot, tread, juggle, sing and dance their ways into America's hearts before an apoplectic panel of three judges, all held in line with Springer at the heart of the lineup.

No doubt he's got "Talent": Jerry Springer (center) with last year's "AGT" winner, Terry Fator, and Julienne Irwin Photo by Virginia Sherwood/NBC

Indeed, as popular as the Tuesday night talent show is, it may serve as a national treasure way beyond anything Nicolas Cage ever found in his two recent movies: Could "America's Got Talent" be a "gotcha" for the next American president, with both presumptive nominees pre-empting their original protocol for choosing a veep and opting instead for, not a write-in choice, but a call-in candidate?

What better forum and format than a national talent show for the next vice president of the United States to be chosen? Call 1-800 for the '08 choice? Sing your heart out, Hilary; do the rumba, Romney: America's got ... 60 minutes.

Not a bad idea, says Springer -- not. "Well, since the show has to do with talent, no, it's probably not the best forum to do that," he says of the Tuesday-night TV town meeting.

Nominees Have Talent?
On the other hand, maybe the presidential wannabees have a talent to display besides fundraising. The old song and dance from "Promises, Promises"? A ventriloquist act in which the dummy is the candidate's surrogate for outrageous comments? Presumptive nominees as entertainers: That would be ... presumptuous. "I don't think Obama's [talent] would be bowling," kibitzes Springer. "I don't think McCain's would be dancing."

Jerry and "Talent" judges (from left) Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne and David Hasselhoff Photo by David Bjerke/NBC

No soft shoe in the sublime face-off of politics? Unheard of. But give a listen to Springer; he has an ear for the outrageous and a finger for the impulsive.

After all, he was chosen to host the NBC weekly series "because, next to me, those chosen have talent."

At 64, the English-born Gerald Norman Springer is still a spring chicken when it comes to flapping his wings -- and causing a flap. His daily show dallies in what he concedes is silliness, while his operatic life has been the source of a well-publicized opera.

And we're not talking "The Sopranos." No, his has been a chamber work where even the discordant notes of a TV star chamber inquisition by a tattooed tyrant of his bisexual sister/former fiance and the illegitimate dachshund they spawned can't detract from the fact that onlooker Springer seems a decent guy glommed onto indecent surroundings.

He's just so ... smart -- especially to avoid being tainted by the idiocy of his daytime talk show.

But then, Springer sprang from a family of fiercely smart and proud Jews; his parents are Holocaust survivors whom the rowdy ringmaster puts on a pedestal high above the madding crowds.

And, really, who can get mad at Jerry, whose quickstepping shoe business almost overturned the favorites on the 2007 version of "Dancing With the Stars," while he waltzed away with audiences' hearts?

All so, he admitted back then, he could learn to dance at his daughter's wedding.

Last year's Miss Universe, Rio Mori Photo courtesy of Miss Universe L.P./LLLP

And, after all, admits this former mayor of Cincinnati -- whose run for governor couldn't clear the hurdle of his amiable admission that he, indeed, once had visited a prostitute (and not just to ask how's business) -- he has a talent for knowing that he ... has no particular talent. "I can say without equivocation," he says unequivocally, "that I have absolutely no talent. It's like I'm in the wrong business. I just got lucky."

Luck be a lady tonight ... or Sunday, when the Miss Universe Pageant plays on. But for now, it's talent before beauty, and as one whose self-description of his dancing the hora is a "horror" ("I think I was getting the pity vote" on "DWTS"), Springer allows that maybe he's better at doing the tzedakah box step.

"You know if they could just send me some money, I'd appreciate it," he impishly implores his fans.

"Whatever you can spare."

Which is, when you think of it, better than Obama can bowl.