Atop That 'Crystal Skull' -- a Yarmulke?

Jones and bones: Indiana (Harrison Ford) and his kid (Shia LeBouf) meet up with some skullduggery in their new adventure.

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus -- don't hiss at me; she doesn't read this paper anyway -- but it seems there is a Jewish adventurer whose fear of snakes is second to his phobia of treif.

Yeah, sure, Harrison Ford is Jewish, just as much as the megamillion star does his own carpentry work ...

Hammer, anyone?

As "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" crystallizes before your very eyes on the screen, know that the man with the fedora fed on brisket long before he bull-whipped dinner into submission.

And under that hat ... well, who's to say that a yarmulke doesn't go strikingly atop a crystal skull kup? (A little history here; the original Temple of Doom? A synagogue on La Cienega in L.A. that couldn't pay the real estate taxes and went out of business.)

At 66, Harrison Ford routes his roles his very own way. As for his Jewishness, his maternal Jewish grandparents, Anna Lifschutz and Harry Nidelman -- really -- came from Minsk; he's German and Irish on his father's side.

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish -- but does he feel like one? He's "Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor."

(Then again, the quote comes from a piece in Pravda; truth is this to me and that to thee -- and who knows what to them?)

But there is the best sacred source of all, Adam Sandler, whose "Chanukah Song" twanged a tuneful from the talented tzadik himself: "We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby/Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -- not too shabby!"

Not a shandah, either. If you can't trust the Zohan, who can you trust?

Trust this: Ford describes himself as Jewish, telling a reporter in the United Kingdom that he prefers his dangling earring to a tattoo for a very personal reason: "I couldn't [get a tattoo], because then I wouldn't be able to be buried in the Jewish cemetery. I'm half-Jewish. My mother. And that's the half that makes you Jewish."

Who knew he had the joneses for being Jewish? ("Indiana" is rooted etymologically in "Choosiers," which is Yiddish for "the whitefish is awful.")

More importantly, "But I don't want a tattoo anyway."

Regarding Calista
All right, calm down, Harrison. For a man who flies solo, learn to be more patient. (Of course, he is also rumored to be "this close" to marriage with Calista Flockhart, the "Brothers & Sisters" star and his inamorata of many years, who looks as skinny as an alley cat and could maybe use a big piece of brisket or two.)

So, if Ford is Jewish, is that why they hired Shia LeBouf, that buff young Jewish actor/hottie (if you're 'tween tweenhood and 20) to play Indiana's son in "Crystal Skull"?

The mind boggles at this whole Jewish Indiana thing nearly as much as a Hillary claiming a victory in Indiana as a major win. But isn't that what makes Hollywood so hollow in the end? What you see ain't necessarily what you get?

It's always been that way, especially when it makes for a bonanza at the box office. Or TV, for that matter. After all, all four actors playing Papa Ben and the sibling Cartwright clan of "Bonanza" were Jews.

And what was it that Hop-Sing and half-sister Hip-Hop served up for Sunday brunch to the kosher cowboys? Beans and rice? No. Lox and bagel.

C'mon, you never heard of the famous ...

Ponderosa Spread?