Holey Garments: What Not to Wear

There's an old joke about always leaving the house wearing clean underwear -- just in case you're in an accident. The punchline, likely not suitable in a family paper, is rooted in the ironic futility of clean underwear in the face of a catastrophic accident.

Perhaps clean socks are a similar necessity.

This sock talk came to a head at a recent young professionals party at an organizer's home. Okay, it was her parent's home, but it was still a real, homey house.

Though this was not a singles event, there were single people there, and it was still technically a party. The venue, however, was not in a Japanese or Korean home, where shoes are customarily not worn in the house.

Anticipating an encounter there with an amazing young woman of particular interest, I was hoping to see that after months of attempted courtship, nothing could be left to chance. To complement one of my favorite Italian shirts with a two-button collar, I wore a pair of fashionable black shoes that I also bought in Italy a few years back. They are shoes I can wear to work with a suit or social events with jeans. They're subtle, but also distinctly European.

As I entered the house, it was apparent that guests had to check their footwear at the door. When I saw the pile of shoes and realized that everyone was in their socks, I asked our host if she preferred a no-shoe policy. Then, I had to do a mental check: was I wearing presentable socks?

The answer, because I could leave no detail unprepared for this event, luckily, was yes. Remember: When you're on a courtship quest, everything matters.

Thus, my dark-blue patterned socks were more than suitable. Of equal importance, though, there were no holes in the toes or the heels. Plus, they were right out of the laundry, so they still had that "April fresh scent."

Presentation Matters
Like most men, I own a variety of clothing items that time has rendered holey (not to be confused with holy). Socks, underwear, old jeans, even a favorite dress shirt or two remain in my closet and dresser long after they should have been retired. These items have done their service and have now been relegated to sleepwear or yardwork garb. Admittedly, they should probably be retired permanently. Some have sentimental value, including a pair of old socks I wore on several successful job interviews early in my first career.

Presentation is an important part of social settings. Looking well boosts self-confidence and helps construct an image that conveys quite a bit about you.

Nevertheless, the no-shoe zone at this party generated some interesting responses. To the best of my knowledge, nobody had any toes poking through.

One young woman wore blue socks with white stars. One guy wore white tube socks, which if you're going to the gym or the tennis court are fine, but not the best complement for dark pants. However, he shouldn't have been there in the first place because he exceeded the group's age cap by more than two decades.

The amazing young woman of interest wore cute little white ankle socks, which clashed starkly with her all black attire. It was a quirky fashion touch for a woman I found practically mesmerizing.

At the door, as a few of us left, one guest said, "I'm glad I wore clean socks." Me, too.

Who Looks at Shoes?
When those rare opportunities to meet a special person come up, everything counts, even socks. Somehow, though, it would take more than a pair of clean socks to impress someone -- or even to show up on her radar.

This sock story reminds me of a famous line from the film, "The Shawshank Redemption," when the narrator, Morgan Freeman, recounts the escape of his prison buddy, played by Tim Robbins. In finalizing his prison escape and thus completing his civilian-wardrobe makeover, Robbins donned the warden's "borrowed" shoes and strolls back to his cell. Freeman intones, " ... after all, how often do you look at a man's shoes?"

Same probably goes for socks. Even so, for that next party, better not risk it.

Roy S. Gutterman is a Syracuse, N.Y.-based writer. To contact him, visit: www.Lrev.com.